Unfortunate Tales from Planet B is a webcomic inspired by VHS cult classics!
Written by Ken Wynne ▷ Illustrated by Rik Jackson
PANEL 1. MICHAEL, a man closely resembling Michael Ironside (circa 1981, Scanners), stands alone in an empty white room; his eyes fixated towards us in concentration. Smartly dressed in a black suit, visible only from the waist up; his tie pin particularly noticeable for its appearance: a fly.
PANEL 2. The room is now illuminated in neon purple light. Beads of sweat run down Michael’s flushed face. Veins in both his neck and temple become more visible, and his eyes bulge in their sockets.
PANEL 3. The lighting returns to normal. Michael’s head EXPLODES; engulfing the room in a crimson red mist. His lower jaw and left side of his face remain; tongue hanging out and left eye out of its socket. Brain matter has hit the walls behind him. His suit stained from the blood.
#2 THE FLY
PANEL 1. VINCENT, a man closely resembling Vincent Price (circa 1958, The Fly), stands with his back towards us in a bathroom. Dressed in a white lab coat, visible only from the waist up, alone Vincent stands looking into the bathroom cabinet mirror; his hands placed upon the sink basin. One side of the bathroom cabinet is open, and various medication capsules are visible. On top of the bathroom cabinet is a bottle of Tenafly Viper.
PANEL 2. Vincent once again stands in his bathroom; his back towards us in the same position. Looking into the bathroom mirror, his appearance has changed. His head and left arm now resemble that of a fly.
CAPTION: THE NEXT DAY
PANEL 3. Vincent, standing in his bathroom, looking into the mirror, is now wearing a blond wig. Wings have begun to develop from his back, tearing through the white lab coat.
VINCENT: I SUPPOSE THAT WILL HAVE TO DO… *SIGH*
#3 STREET TRASH
PANEL 1. It is a sunny day. On the side of the road, the remnants of an old, half-demolished building still stand. Elements of the foundation remain, whilst various white goods and plumbing are scattered throughout. A washing machine lays on it’s side, the door slightly ajar; a toilet bowl stands perfectly upright on the sidewalk; and a kitchen sink sits atop a mound of rubble. TRASH, a woman closely resembling Linnea Quigley (circa 1985, The Return of the Living Dead), walks down the road; approaching the toilet bowl, but unaware of its existence. She is too busy rewinding her Walkman cassette player to notice her surroundings. Trash is dressed in an open red leather waistcoat, a black leather bra and shorts, white stockings, and black boots. Her punk red hair is short, and her eyeliner black. Her wired orange headphones are wrapped around her neck.
CAPTION: NEW YORK CITY
PANEL 2. As Trash passes the toilet bowl, a voice speaks out from within. Trash freezes midstep, eyes-wide with perspiration running down her cheek.
TOILET BOWL: EXCUSE ME, MISS…
PANEL 3. A close-up of the inside of the toilet bowl reveals a vibrant, multi-coloured mess of thick liquid, pulsating in pain. Eyes peak out from amongst the substance; the central viewpoint of what appears to be a face, complete with a nose, and a wide open mouth. With teeth exposed, the substance speaks out.
MELTED HOBO: GOT ANY SPARE CHANGE?
#4 THE RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD
PANEL 1. Under the moonlit dark sky, in a graveyard, TRASH (Linnea Quigley, circa 1985) dances on top of a large stone tomb in nothing but a pair of white stockings. A stone carving in the side of the tomb reveals the name Count Yorga, Vampire. In the distance are onlookers SPIDER and SUICIDE; both sitting on the grass, cross-legged, eyes wide, and grinning. Spider wears a khaki green, sleeveless military jacket, red tank top and green camo cargo pants; whilst Suicide wears a black leather jacket and pants, and a black t-shirt with The Cramps band logo. Around Suicide’s neck is a studded choker. Three silver chains also cover his body; one hanging between his ear and his lip; the other two crossing over his torso. A boombox sits beside Suicide; blasting out music. Further in the distance are more tombstones and overgrown trees. One tree in particular appears to move…
CAPTION: IN THE GRAVEYARD…
SFX: RUSTLE! RUSTLE!
PANEL 2. TARMAN can be seen approaching from the distance; from out of the trees. His brown/green flesh drips from his skeletal remains. Trash appears unfazed; continuing to dance upon the large stone tomb. Spider and Suicide, however – turning to face Tarman – appear to be extremely concerned. Suicide’s hand knocks over the boombox; yet the music continues to play.
PANEL 3. Hiding behind the large stone tomb Trash dances upon, Spider and Suicide peer over to look out for Tarman; their faces covered in perspiration. Distracted, Tarman sits cross-legged where Spider and Suicide once sat; tongue sticking out and eyes wide, focused towards Trash as she continues her dance.
#5 COUNT YORGA, VAMPIRE
PANEL 1. In a marbled floored crypt lit by candlelight, DONNA sits seductively upon a large grey marble tomb, in a long blue nightgown. Her brown hair is cut just above her shoulders, and she is barefoot. Lying against the tomb is a newspaper with the headline: THE DEAD WALK! Standing beside Donna and the tomb is MICHAEL, arms folded, wearing a nave blue short-sleeved shirt, white/blue striped pants, a brown belt and matching shoes. He is in conversation with COUNT YORGA, who stands opposite to Michael, right hand placed upon his chin. Yorga stands out in a black suit, white shirt, black tie and cape, and a red handkerchief in the left pocket of his suit jacket. Everyone is smiling, as an extravagant fireplace burns wood in the background.
MICHAEL: THE BELIEVERS OF THIS SUPERSTITION REFERRED TO VAMPIRES AS THE LIVING DEAD.
PANEL 2. Count Yorga laughs hysterically, placing his right hand on his forehead. Michael looks puzzled by his reaction. Donna slightly kneels up on the tomb, leaning towards the back of Michael, and winking at Yorga. The complexion of her skin has become visibly white; the bags under her eyes heavy, and fangs slightly exposed.
COUNT YORGA: SUPERSTITION?
SFX: HA! HA! HA!
PANEL 3. Donna lunges at Michael, biting down into his neck with her fully exposed fangs. Michael remains in the same position, arms folded, but his head is slightly turned towards Donna. No time to react except to express genuine terror on his face. Blood spurts upwards out of the wound. Yorga is hunched over, laughing in hysterics and pointing at Michael.
SFX: HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
#6 DAY OF THE DEAD
PANEL 1. Nearby an abandoned sports department store lies a skeleton wearing a hockey mask and a green shirt. A machete is embedded in its skull and cuts into one side of the mask. The sun is shining brightly. In the foreground, CAPTAIN RHODES is giggling as DR. TONGUE grabs his shoulders, attempting to eat his brains; his tongue drooping against Rhoads’ forehead. Rhoads wears his black hair slicked back, olive-green overalls, machine gun ammo across his chest, and an empty holster to his right. Dr. Tongue wears a bloodstained brown suit and red tie; his grey hair messy and thin; his eyebrows non-existent; and his skin a yellowish grey colour. The face of Dr. Tongue is cut and bloodied from a shotgun blast; his jaw completely removed; and only a few of his upper teeth remain.
PANEL 2. Stepping back, Rhoads grabs his balls with his left hand and holds a middle finger up with his right hand; a huge grin on his face. Dr. Tongue, visibly angered, clenches his fists; drool dripping from his hanging tongue.
CAPTAIN RHODES: CHOKE ON ‘EM!
PANEL 3. With tremendous force, Dr. Tongue rips Rhoads’ balls from his groin with his bare hands. This forces causes copious amounts of blood and entrails to spill out onto the floor. Rhoads’ eyes are wide with surprise; his mouth open, screaming, as blood drips down his chin.
#7 FRIDAY THE 13TH: PART 3
PANEL 1. JASON, a deformed, heavily built man is dragging MICHAEL MYERS across the woods by the scruff of his navy blue boiler suit collar with one hand. In the other hand, Jason is holding a pair of cardboard 3D glasses. Moonlight shines between the branches of the trees and across the lake, beyond the woods, is a sign in that reads CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE. Jason is wearing a hockey mask and a green shirt, grey pants, and black boots. Michael wears a CAPTAIN KIRK mask with larger eyeholes, spray-painted white and is clawing at Jason.
PANEL 2. Now wearing the 3D glasses, Jason holds Michael by his head with his bare-hands, lifting him a few inches from the ground. His palms are crushing against the temple on either side of the mask. Michael is facing away from Jason.
SFX: KI KI KI MA MA MA
PANEL 3. In 3D, visible only from the chest upwards, the pressure of Jason’s hands crushes Michael’s skull. His mask deflates like a balloon, blood trickles down from his mouth, and his left eyeball pops out towards our unfortunate readers.
PANEL 1. MICHAEL MYERS stands perfectly still within a glass cabinet; dressed in his iconic navy blue boiler suit. Partially unmasked, a Captain Kirk mask with larger eyeholes, spray-painted white, sits atop Michael’s head, just above his eyebrows. Michael’s facial features are reminiscent of Nick Castle (circa 1978); his hair dark brown. Leaning slighting forward, Michael’s right hand is lifted towards the mask, holding a can of Dr. Pepper towards the mask’s mouth. In his left hand is a kitchen knife. A carved, illuminated pumpkin leans against his feet. The floor inside the cabinet is covered in autumn leaves. Surrounding the glass cabinet is barrier posts and rope to protect the exhibit. A silver plaque on the glass cabinet reads: Nick Castle, donated by John Carpenter in 1978.
PANEL 2. Michael Myers stands perfectly still in the same position within the glass cabinet. His appearance suggests that he has aged 40 years; his hair has turned grey and he now has a moustache. The latex mask is now cracked and worn, and the paint has yellowed over time; whilst the silver plaque is scratched and the pumpkin has partially rotted away.
PANEL 3. A wide shot of the room reveals that the cabinet sits within a museum full of patrons. The exhibit to the left of Michael Myers displays the skeletal remains of Godzilla (circa 1954).
PANEL 1. Shōwa era GODZILLA stands tall amongst some of the largest buildings in 1950s Shinagawa, Tokyo. The amphibious reptilian Godzilla’s scaly skin shines under the moonlight. His muscular arms reaching down towards a Japanese couple and their child on the rooftop of a smaller building; a young boy in traditional Japanese uniform. The father wears a long suede 50s trench coat, whilst the mother wears a traditional, conservative dress. The boy holds a small white box with puncture holes in the top. The lid of the box is slightly ajar, as the small arms of GIZMO emerge. Godzilla stares at the family intensely as a train passes by.
PANEL 2. Godzilla attacks the train, picking up one carriage with his left claw and pulling at the other connecting carriage with his teeth. The Japanese family – as small as ants – scream in terror as Godzilla tears down buildings with his right claw. Dust and debris litter the skyline.
JAPANESE FAMILY: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
PANEL 3. Shinagawa is now nothing more than the remains of toppled buildings – left in the wake of Godzilla’s attack – with the exception of one building. The building that the Japanese family were standing upon, but now the family are nowhere to be seen. Godzilla holds his head down in shame.
GODZILLA: LOVE ME!
PANEL 1. GIZMO, a Mogwai, is sat in bed against a pillow that is much larger in size comparative to him. A digital clock on the bedside table next to Gizmo indicates that it is 11:45 at night, and the only the light illuminating the bedroom comes from a nearby television set. The TV sits atop a Panasonic VCR next to a Christmas tree. Gizmo is surrounded by items of food; including a bowl of popcorn, a bucket of fried chicken, and a can of Coca-Cola. Smiling, Gizmo is tucking into a large chicken drumstick, salivating, whilst watching The Toxic Avenger.
PANEL 2. Gizmo suddenly looks over towards the digital clock, realising the time. His eyes are wide and chicken grease drips from his chin. The time displayed is 12:05.
PANEL 3. A close-up shot of Gizmo reveals tears forming in his eyes; his pupils dilated. The chicken drumstick is still in his mouth.