Surely there can not be a film so utterly bad, so devoid of merit and as unbelievably inept in the ways of filmmaking as to be crowned “The Best Worst Movie”, oh how wrong you are because one such film does exist and its name is Troll 2. Made five years after the first Troll (which itself is a rainy day guilty pleasure) this has absolutely nothing to do with its predecessor other then it goes by the name of Troll with a tacked on number two added to it. The most surprising part of this is that it doesn’t actually contain any Trolls whatsoever; it instead decides to include several Goblins wearing bad masks (but more on that a bit later).
The legend among film fans of this kind of tosh, states that it was the brainchild of Italian director Claudio Fragasso (who also with his wife wrote the script) under the pseudonym Drake Floyd directs with all the finesse and subtlety of a new years eve drunkard who ambles around street corners thinking people are listening to him. The costumes where designed, a term I use lightly, by European porn actress Laura Gemser (who found fame with a series of Emmanuelle films) and consist of little more then bits of foam latex padding with burlap sacks over the top of them and horrible facial masks which complete the shoddy effect.
Filmed in 1989 it was put back for release until 1992 in the states as well as England which just goes to show how little faith the production company had within this piece of cinematic awfulness, but for all of its down right grade A badness it has, for better or worse found a cult following. A following I am apprehensive to admit to be apart of (along with a few other friends), because for each and every absolutely shit moment, for there is many, that moment instantly grows on you in a seedy almost unwelcoming way.
This is admittedly the type of film you watch with friends on a drunken film night or at the very least as part of a bet (a bit like daring someone to watch Cannibal Holocaust in one sitting only not as bad). The reasons why Troll 2 is a cult classic and favourite of recent midnight film screenings? Well the acting is for want of a better word, pure unadulterated crap, the kind that it makes Steven Seagal seem as though he is reciting Chaucer. There is the odd and slightly creepy deceased grandfather who comes to our young hero Joshua by giving him warnings of things to come and the people of Nilbog (I wonder what that mean backwards?). Not mention the classic scene where the dead grandfather stops time to tell Joshua not to eat the food that has been left for his family.
The freezing of time can be described as something as uncannily close to a secondary school drama performance; the actors can be seen clearly moving as Joshua walks around them, all of which just adds to the films hilariously bad tone. All of which leads Joshua doing the only thing he can do to stop his family from chowing down on the evil food, by (and I swear I am not making this up) pissing on the food off screen. By this point you are thing the kid really needs help, but wait that is the least crazy part, it gets better.
Then there is the surreal and downright bizarre scene of the sexy Goblin Queen seducing a guy in his caravan kissing him while she has a corn on the cob in her mouth, and suddenly without warning there is a overwhelming amount of random popcorn, which produces a “what the hell….did I just see that?” moment. And since the Goblins (did I mention this is called Troll 2?) are vegetarians the only thing that will repel them from an attack is a bologna sandwich, according to the director that is their form of goblin repellent, much like Dracula’s aversion to crosses and holy water. The repetitive soundtrack/score if you can call it that further cements the overall cheap and tacky quality of this film.
The over use of green goo just provides an absurd almost surrealist take on a horror film, here it seems to be the most predominant colour on screen that it verges on seeping from out of your own pours if watched if for long enough, you actually feel as though your brain might melt.
Basically what I am trying to say is this film is atrocious in a multitude of ways that are quite simply mystifying and yet I love it for what it is. It is the type of film legend that you watch like a seedy underground film, only to find it so unspeakably bad you feel you need to share it with friends, family and complete and utter strangers that is what I am doing for you here.
This is one of the worst films ever and there is basically just too damn much to list, but it is also a fantastically good laugh so seek it out, grab some beverages of the alcoholic variety. Most of all grab some friends and hold a mass screening and prepare yourselves for one of the best bad films known to cult enthusiasts.
Also worth a mention is the absolutely fantastic Best Worst Movie documentary by the young star of Troll 2, Michael Stephenson, which is both fantastically funny and quite emotional. All of which adds up to it being one of the best documentaries on the history of a film that has been released in quite a while. Don’t forget the local Nilbog milk and double decker baloney sandwiches to enjoy while you watch. Friday nights might never be the same again.
Sober : 1 out of 5
Intoxicated with friends: 5 out of 5
Michael Stephenson … Joshua Waits
George Hardy … Michael Waits
Margo Prey … Diana Waits
Connie Young … Holly Waits (as Connie McFarland)
Robert Ormsby … Grandpa Seth
Deborah Reed … Creedence Leonore Gielgud
Jason Wright … Elliott Cooper
Directed By … Claudio Fragasso
The infamous “Oh my god!” scene from the movie has been viewed on YouTubenearly four million times.
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